An open letter to all incels out there from someone who believes in a salvation for incels.
Don’t worry, I’m not here to bash or shame you for being unable to secure romantic relationships.
But by the time you finish reading this, you’ll have a fresh perspective on your unintended celibacy streak. You might even stand a better chance of ending it and experiencing a transformational change in your dating and love life.
You should trust me, if for no other reason, because if there’s only one person that believes in salvation for incels, then that person will be me. Besides, I know you deep-down believe that it’s possible — just like a lot of other well-meaning people do.
If like a lot of ex-incels I’ve come across even online, you don’t really like the grip inceldom has on you, you might need to embrace certain truths that might not be fun to swallow. But they’ll certainly help pull you out of the grip of inceldom.
Should I let the cat out of the bag?
Women hating isn’t the way.
Women don’t owe you anything.
It’s not like they’re some kinds of trophies or achievements that are meant to romance your fragile sense of self. They’re humans for goodness sake. Humans with feelings, needs, and choices. Why then should one be subjected to a hatred that’ll also be extended to other women, because she chose not to date or have sex with you?
Back then when I started dating, I always had one belief: The belief that relationships are more or less like a number game. The more people you meet, the higher your chances of meeting someone who’ll buy what you have to offer. Cliche, I know. But it gave me a clearer view of what rejections really are.
If you’re looking for what to do about your “inability” to land romantic partners, hating on women for your situation out of entitlement shouldn’t be your focus.
Because the truth is, you aren’t unable to land a romantic partner, you’re instead, yet to find the one that’ll buy what you have to offer and love you for all that you are.
And in that case, you just need to be rejected some more by the wrong people until the right ones come by.
Otherwise, know that even the popular “it’s not you, it’s me” sometimes means it’s you. And if you can channel the time and energy you’d use in complaining and hating women to working on yourself, you’d get what you deserve in no time.
Recommended Reading: 5 Types Of Men Women Find The Most Attractive
The idea of not needing women is quite great. Just that this approach is wrong.
A few days ago, I read a story on Medium where the author mentioned something like stumbling upon a YouTube channel dedicated to advising incel men against dating women — because they don’t need women.
She even said something like the faceless YouTube channel encourages its audience to use women just for sexual pleasure if at all, they’ll need women but not for relationships.
Now, that’s complete nonsense!
It baffles me that people would take such advice seriously.
No matter what, there’s no justifiable reason to dehumanize and reduce women to just sex objects. It’s disrespectful!
Yes, you don’t have to need anyone in your life. That idea is more suited for movies and not reality. I believe that this pattern of thinking and also the idea that a romantic partner will complete and make you whole is fundamentally flawed. A lot of us know this to be true.
Yes again, needing someone stems or comes from a place of desperation, a limiting of options, and a conscious or subconscious act of making that person a tool to get what you want. All of which is just dehumanizing and unattractive.
That’s why I believe you should want a romantic partner and not need one. You want them as a conscious choice you make while leaving the floor open for them to either decide to choose you or not.
And because you’re whole and complete all by yourself so neither of their decision defines you. And above all, you know full well that if they don’t choose you, you can always find someone else who’ll choose you as you chose them.
You might simply be running away from what really makes men strong.
If you feel like you “can’t” attract, land, or win over a romantic partner after less than a handful of rejections, will embracing the ideology of misogynistic inceldom make you a stronger man?
If you think hating and demeaning women and other acts of assholeness make one a strong man, let me remind you what it really means to be a strong person (not just a man).
Being a dick or asshole isn’t strength.
Here’s a sneak peek at what it means to be a strong person (man or woman):
- Strong people aren’t limited by rejections: This is because they know their value. And know that someone saying no doesn’t mean something’s inherently wrong with them. Hence, they don’t define themselves by their failures or rejections as the case may be. And instead, bounce back from it more determined than ever to achieve their aims.
- Strong people don’t thrive at the expense of others: When you’re secure and comfortable in who you are, you won’t see the need to demean otters to feel better about yourself. In fact, you’ll be stronger, better, and more fulfilled by making others feel good about themselves. (But only if you’re not doing so because you want something in return.)
- Strong people have a never give up mindset: This is because they know that great and worthwhile things take time, effort, lots of failures, and disappointments. So they never despair even when everything seems hopeless. They believe in themselves and know that they’ll eventually find whatever they set out to find. Confidence attracts success!
Now, all these might not sound new. Hell, they might even seem like something that sounds so better on paper and doesn’t work in reality. But trust me, they do work. They’ve worked for ages. What makes you think you’ll be an exception? Yes, you’re unique. But it doesn’t mean that the tested and trusted things — that is almost as constant as most laws of physics won’t work for you.
Cliche, I know, but if they’re yet to work for you, then it’s obviously because you haven’t tried enough.
A truly nice guy will never take the black pill because he isn’t having his way.
No doubt, it can sometimes feel like one’s niceness is being taken advantage of.
But something doesn’t go down well with me about this idea or way of thinking.
To me, most people who feel this way are often inauthentic. For every 10 people who feel like their niceness is often taken for granted — that they often feel cheated or mistreated, 8 of them are being nice because they expect others to be nice to them in return. And most of them would rather hope to use niceness to buy or gain something else from others.
To be more specific, this is where a lot of incels get it wrong. Nobody owes you anything because you’re being nice to them.
The fact that you always want something in return for your niceness, is hugely related to why it seems like an impossible height to get what you actually want from love interests: love and affection.
Don’t get it twisted my friend. Nobody is saying you shouldn’t want someone you like or love to feel the same way toward you. We all do. Just that you shouldn’t try to use niceness to weasel your way into romantic attraction.
By this I mean, if you’re romantically interested in someone, then take the risk and let them know. Actively try to flirt with them. Give them a hint of your romantic interest. And this doesn’t mean being nice to them. It could be as simple as paying them compliments or even asking them out for a date.
And again, always bear in mind that they have the full right to turn you down and it’s okay.
The bottom line? If you’re truly nice and not just because you want something in return, (because if you do want something, you’ll be upfront with it), there won’t be any reason to reach for “the black pill.” ’cause attracting and winning over the right people will be a normal occurrence.
You might want to seek out mental help and work on yourself.
The idea of being black pilled is deeper than it seems.
It goes beyond having a deep hatred for women. It’s as deep as having a strong belief that one’s so unlovable that both self-help and therapy can’t work for him.
In the wake of this, even articles like this one are next to useless to such a person. But if you, an incel, still reading up to this point, you probably also believe in something like salvation out of the grips of inceldom.
Hence, knowing fully well that part of what might encourage anyone into embracing the ideology of inceldom in the first place is extreme depression, and loneliness, I urge you to consider seeking mental help.
I know that, as I said earlier, you might believe in the idea that what works for every other person won’t work for you. But I’ll remind you again that you’re unique as a person and it still doesn’t change the fact that your situation is not beyond help.
With Mental health professionals like Englar-Carlson — who believes that everyone can be helped, you can actually get the help that’s nothing like the regular “you’re radical, homophobic, sexist, or crazy” dismissal attempts. And I assure you, there’s help out there. You just have to actively look for it and you’ll find it.
And this help, won’t only help you with dealing with the depression and anxiety of loneliness which is more than half the battle. But it’ll help you rethink the idea that you’re unlovable. Plus help you even with your self-image issues. So go in search of it.
Further reading: 5 Reasons Why Dating Is More Difficult For Men
John Emmanuel is a results-obsessed relationship blogger and founder of Top Love Hacks, dedicated to helping you level up your dating and relationship game by motivating you to be in control of your love life.