There’s a piece of wisdom I heard somewhere that makes more than a lot of sense to me. And it goes:

“If you’re overly desperate to be in a relationship to the extent that you don’t mind making any compromise to be in one, your happiness is at stake.”

There’s a clear-cut difference between falling in love out of desperation and falling in love with the right person.

The former will only make you happy for a while before everything will become a prison of unhappiness even though the relationship is supposed to be a good one.

Now, when I talk about falling in love out of desperation. I’m not in any way saying you should buy into the popular cliche “you’ll find love when you’re not looking” to the extent that you’ll practically put little to no effort to find one.

Instead, I’m of the idea that you should never subject yourself to unimaginable pain and unhappiness by putting up some counterproductive behaviors.

Specifically, I’m saying that you shouldn’t be driven by a strong need to be accepted and loved into putting up behaviors that reek of a lack of knowledge of your self-worth.

Because doing so will most often than not, leave you wondering what you’re possibly doing wrong that makes your relationships as messy as hell. Even though it’ll most likely feel like you’re putting in your all to create a happy relationship in every relationship you find yourself in.

If you’re anything like a lot of people I know, you might find that you’re often miserable in almost all of your relationships.

Not because all of your partners are toxic and abusive. Maybe only a very few of them are.

But because you are in some ways, sabotaging relationships that are supposed to be the happiest relationships one can ever wish for.

Hence, you often tend to be unhappy in a good relationship.

If what I’m saying isn’t clear yet, these examples will make things clear:

1. Giving up your interests, hobbies, and even goals.

Your interests, hobbies, goals, and plans for your life are as important as your life itself.

And are also part of the things that don’t just give your life a sense of direction, but make you feel whole and happy.

Hence, if you often set aside your interests, lose the motivation to chase after your goals, or continue your hobbies, hell, if you often place your passion on the back burner for a relationship, your happiness and satisfaction in all your relationship will suffer immeasurably.

Firstly, if you’re fond of turning your back on your interests, hobbies, life plans, and every other thing that matters to you, it means you’re often losing yourself in your relationships. (More on that in the next point.)

Secondly, if you keep giving up your interests, hobbies, life goals, etc — that are known to keep one a balanced and stable individual who’s full of life and generally happy with his life; you’ll resort to making your partner and relationship your only source of happiness — which, will in turn, make you a miserable person in the relationship.

Because thirdly, only a few things will make you unhappier than having the flawed mindset that your partner is the only person that’s supposed to complete and make your life a happy one.

That’s why people who are enjoying genuinely great and happy relationships always make sure to give enough time and energy to their relationships.

But never give up things that matter to them and make them whole even before the relationship came into existence.

Yes, they do corporate and sometimes, compromise. But giving up things they enjoy that equally give their life a sense of purpose is never an option.

The bottom line?

If you mostly find yourself giving up your interests, hobbies, passions, and life goals in your relationships, you’re either having a litany of wrong relationships. Or subconsciously making yourself to be unhappy in a good relationship.

Also read: 5 Main Pillars Of Successful Relationships

2. Giving up your sense of self.

As earlier hinted, there’s this common need to fit in and to be accepted, that often forces people to over-compromise to the extent of compromising their sense of self and individualities.

And the thing is, it’s one thing to give up your interests, hobbies, goals, etc just to be always available to your partner and something entirely different to do so in an attempt to merge your identity with your partner’s so that you can ultimately be loved or accepted.

For example, I know a lot of women who simply think developing a love for drinking beer, being a football fan, and attending every of their man’s sports games while showing no interest in what truly interests them will make them cool partners. But they’re dead wrong. They’re only being insecure. (Of course, men also put up several variations of this behavior).

Yes, relationships develop organically on great levels of similarities even in interests, of course. But pretending to be someone you aren’t because that’s what you think a romantic partner will like, is one of the surefire ways to be unhappy in a good relationship.

Because the truth is, instead of proving your love and showing how much you want them to love you in return, adopting a personality that isn’t true to yourself won’t only be draining but will mean you’re risking your greatest despair.

Aside from the fact that a break up will most often than not, feel devastating since you’ve lost yourself and have become a powerless, anxious, and even depressed soul all the while you’re in the relationship.

That’s why the happiest relationships are somewhat balanced. This implies that both parties involved all stick to who they were before getting together.

Now, this doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try to change any habit that’s toxic to your relationships.

But if you find yourself giving up parts or whole of your individuality and sense of self in a relationship to create an identity that’s similar to that of your partner, your insecurity-driven urge to have or maintain the relationship isn’t doing you and the relationship any favors.

Also read: 7 Ugliest Gaslighting Phrases To Be Wary Of In a relationship

3. Giving up your personal boundaries.

It’s weird and counterproductive for one to out of a sheer urge to always be on the right side of people allow himself to often be at the mercy of others.

Most people make the mistake of wanting to please others at the expense of their own needs and allowing other people to control how they think, act, and feel. And it’s a dangerous path to walk in.

When you care less about setting healthy boundaries, you’re in a way telling people that you don’t know how to take care of yourself. Which will, in turn, make you a vulnerable puppet to needy people who are only interested in controlling and taking advantage of you.

The point isn’t to discourage you from wanting to make your partner happy in the least possible way you could. You shouldn’t completely shy away from some romantic gestures or even sacrifices that might make your partner feel loved, valued, and cared for. Because being that unromantic won’t make your relationship a happy one either.

But you shouldn’t let the need to make your partner or anyone happy make you feel exhausted and secretly annoyed because you’re being taken advantage of or because you’re often being pressured into doing things you don’t want to do or accommodate. Else, you’ll end up being unhappy in a good relationship.

Also read: 7 Subtle Differences Between Truly Happy Couples, and The Rest

4. Being overly selfless.

‘Don’t sacrifice your self-esteem on the altar of complete selflessness.’ If you always tend to the needs of others with little to no respect for your own needs, you’re going to have lower personal well-being and even be more unhappy than happy in a relationship.

Having a strong aversion to appearing selfish that you’re always giving in to people that expect too much of you will wear you thin. Worse, it’ll erode your self-esteem and drain the life out of you.

In as much as I’m not discouraging you from being selfless and nice since you don’t have to be a bitch or an asshole to enjoy better relationships ’cause that will have the opposite effect.

I urge you to learn to also prioritize your own needs, wants, feelings, and happiness as much as you prioritize that of your partner.

Because the strong urge to avoid appearing or seeming selfish is an obvious sign of neglect of self-care which is a necessary element if you do want to love and care for others well.

And the truth is if you don’t love and care for yourself, doing so for others will always drain you and you might end up being unhappy in a good relationship.

Also read: 9 Simple Ways To Stop Loving Someone Who Doesn’t Love You Back

5. Giving up all your predilections and tendencies.

You can sum up pretty much all of these mistakes into one theme. Most people make the mistake of making self-sacrificing compromises out of sheer desperation to be in, keep, and maintain romantic relationships.

They think, behave, and act in ways that reek of a lack of self-esteem.

The initial scenario is clearer here — someone who just couldn’t understand why she consistently ends up in messy relationships because, to her, she’s investing her all and seems to be what every man can’t resist.

Of course, there’s nothing inherently wrong with compromising and making sacrifices for the betterment of a relationship.

But the idea that you need to be the only one who gives up his predilections and tendencies to meet a partner in the middle while they always have their way, is what keeps most people from enjoying the kinds of relationships they so desire.

Hell, it’s one of the biggest reasons they often tend to be unhappy in a good relationship.

Your self-value, self-worth, and self-esteem aren’t determined by others — most times you need to truly believe that you’re worth a lot. That you deserve love and affection. And that you don’t need to sacrifice yourself, accommodate, justify, and conform to be loved.

Your value isn’t determined by outside forces — sometimes you have to let people know how much you value by being pleased with the person you are and by knowing that you aren’t undeserving of the most fundamental things life has to offer.

The world can’t automatically detect how best to treat and even think of you — sometimes you need to lead the way by how you think of and treat yourself.

J. Emmanuel is a results-obsessed relationship blogger and founder of Top Love Hacks with more than half a decade of experience, dedicated to helping you level up your dating and relationship game by motivating you to be in control of your love life. His widely read work has been featured on Tiny Buddha, The Good Men Project, Publishious, Curious, to mention but a few.

Suggested readings: The Truth About Being Ashamed of Someone You Love

5 Truths About Relationships That Will Change The Way You Think About Love

What Is Love? 10 Misconceptions About Love That Needs To Die