No, you’re not wrong. They only love what you do for them. They don’t really love you.
Yeah, you read that right.
I know it stings. It sucks. But sit with it.
Because ignoring it is the worst thing you’ll ever do.
There’s a notorious, low-key breed of vampires out there. God forbid they ever clap for you. They’d rather die. Yet, they always have a handout.
They don’t give a damn how you’re doing. All they care about is what you can do for them.
And they vanish after you’ve helped them, hoping to reappear when they need you again. They always do.
I’m not just saying this. I’ve been there too. So I know firsthand what it feels like.
I got nothing more than breadcrumbs in return. No matter how much I gave.
Eventually, I got burned out. Every “yes” I handed out like candy? The resentment swallowed.
That’s when it hit me. How you see everything will always be the culprit. This explains why trying to be nicer will never “fix” anything.
So if you’ve been drained to complete exhaustion by people who only show up with empty words, while you’ve been the reliable one, the fixer, and the “always there” friend — This one’s for you.
No, it’s not the overdone, generic, and cliche “Set boundaries” talk. Instead, it’s the real, dirty, and even painful shifts that actually break the curse. And stop you from being used. Ever again.
Shall we?
1. Track Your “Yes” Like a Crime Scene
Run over the last 30 days.
Think back to every single “yes.” Favor. Emergency rescue. Late-night calls you took after they interrupted your sleep.
Get a pen and paper. And next to each one, write down why. Why did you really say yes.
Think hard. Was it fear? Was it guilt? Was it loneliness? Or the fear that they may leave you if you disappoint?
Doing this will change how you see everything. You’re practically turning on a light in a messy, dark room.
What you’ll see might hurt to see at first. But you can’t unsee it once you’ve seen it.
You’ll see the root source of many of your “yeses.” You’ll see that it wasn’t love. Many of them are rooted in survival.
Henceforth, you’ll learn to live differently. To choose consciously.
It becomes a choice. Not a reaction.
And that’s the dawn of a new beginning.
2. Ask the One Question That Blows Up Fake Bonds
Ask yourself this:
“What will happen if I stop giving? Would they still be here?”
Like right now. Not next week. Or when they’ve calmed down.
The answer shouldn’t be shaky. Or make your gut sink.
Because if it does, then you have your truth. That’s the sign you need.
The truth? Real love doesn’t thrive on the performance of one party. It doesn’t disappear if you stop performing.
This question might cut ties. But it also cuts illusions.
And these illusions are heavier and more deadly than you think.
Also read: 11 Shocking Ways Your Repressed Self Sabotages Your Happiness Every Day
3. Stop Performing Your “No” Like It’s a TED Talk
You don’t know yet. But the reason why you’ve countlessly ended up helping even when you initially said “no” is quite simple. It’s a mistake we all keep making.
But here’s a quick fix:
Never say another word after “No”. You’ll only be inviting them to slip in doubts when you do.
Let me show you an example:
When you say:
“No, I’m really tired, but if you really need…”
What they hear is, “I’ll say yes if you push.”
You owe no one a PowerPoint presentation that explains why you’re tired.
“No, I can’t do that.”
That’s it.
Nothing more. Nothing less.
With users, their approval tends to feel like an audition. And explanations are the surest tickets to securing an unnecessary role.
Your “no” should never be an apology. Because it’s an act of self-respect.
4. Change the Reflex: Replace Helping with Watching
Ever wonder why you keep obliging? Why do you keep helping? Even when you know you shouldn’t?
One answer: your reflex.
There’s a particular reflex you’ve got that users love so much. The way you instantly jump to “How can I help?” mode immediately after a request.
So here’s what you should do the next time someone asks for something:
Relax. Don’t move. Don’t type. Don’t rush to make a promise.
Instead, observe. How does your body react?
Your body’s first reaction is older than your politeness. You just need to learn to trust it more.
What’s really happening is your gut screaming: “They’re not safe.”
This kind of observation disarms inconsiderate and selfish users. It denies them the exact reflex they depend on.
You no longer jump to “How can I help” mode upon request.
Instead, you now pause. You breathe. You do nothing.
Because sometimes, doing nothing tells you everything.
5. Silence Reveals More Than Smiles
Some people often show up when they need you, right? Anyone can do that.
How about when you need nothing? That’s the real test.
When was the last time they checked on you? Like, really checked on you first?
When was the last time they offered to help without you asking?
Think about it. They probably won’t help even when you ask.
You might think it’s a friendship. But it’s probably a transaction. Especially when their presence evaporates the moment you stop feeding it.
And can you guess the bill? Right, it’s your peace.
Discover: 12 Secrets Confident People Know About Not Giving a F*ck (But Will Never Tell You)
6. Let Them Sink in Their Own Chaos
The hardest one, yet.
Users are more dramatic than you give them credit for. They thrive on these dramas. Light small fires. And charge you with the task of putting it off.
The painful truth? Each time you save them, they learn that their mess is worth more than your life.
So never do that again.
Leave them to sit in the ashes.
Ignore the texts.
Sure, this might feel cruel. But it’s the best way to uncover one huge truth. If they really value you, or your rescue.
Sometimes, your fears will be confirmed. They’ll walk away.
But then again, you get to keep your dignity. A much bigger win.
7. Build Tiny Tests: See Who Shows Up
If you’re anything like me, you’ve probably bent over backwards to help people who wouldn’t do anything for you. Over and over again.
But before you do so again. Try this.
Ask them for something really small.
A little effort. Not money. Say:
“I’m having a rough day. Mind checking on me later?”
“Hey, can you help me move this weekend?”
Notice how they respond.
If they’re real, they won’t blink. But if they get annoyed, vanish, or deflect, you’ll have your answer.
Small tasks like this often reveal something big.
You’ll get to know for real. If they’re there for you, or if they only care about what you do for them.
8. Grieve Who You Wanted Them to Be
This is going to be heartbreaking.
One of the reasons you keep coming through for them is because you have an idealized image of them in your head that doesn’t quite exist.
Every time you help them, you’re helping a fantasy of who you hope they’ll be. Not the real version.
You’re subconsciously helping that friend who’d show up when you’re sick.
That partner who’d equally choose you, too.
That sibling who’d love you like you love them.
But it’s all in your head.
That’s why you need to let go. Mourn that imaginary person who never existed.
If you have to, cry. Scream. Write them a letter you’ll never send.
Grieve it all. All the dream. As you make space for reality.
Because when you finally do so. You’ll be able to invite the kind of love you deserve. The real, mutual love.
Here’s What Nobody Tells You
The good people won’t leave because you said “no.”
Only the wrong ones will leave faster when you do.
Which is a fucking win. Not a loss.
Because the truth is, being used is self-betrayal dressed up as generosity. Not kindness.
And you know what will happen when you finally stop betraying yourself?
You’ll also start being free. Plus, you’ll stop being used.
Suggested reading: 10 Ways Boring People Talk About Their Hobbies — Don’t Be One of Them
Final Thought: Stop Explaining. Start Choosing.
What you’re willing to let slide is the only thing they can get away with.
So go ahead. Stop turning a blind eye to everything. And observe. Question. Audit. Test. Grieve.
The fake ones will fall away fast
er than you can keep up with. But the best thing about that? You get to experience how light your life feels without them.
It’ll just be you. Your truth. And a peace no one can borrow. No apologies needed.
So go for it.
John Emmanuel is a results-obsessed relationship blogger and founder of Top Love Hacks, dedicated to helping you level up your dating and relationship game by motivating you to be in control of your love life.
