“No matter what you’re going through in life or what phase you are in life, never try to make someone like or love you.”
Not sure if I can remember exactly where I heard something like that, but it’s definitely something I won’t be forgetting in my life.
See, there’s a clear-cut difference between attracting and winning over love interests and trying so hard to make someone like or love you, which often stems from deep-seated neediness and insecurities.
When I talk about trying to make someone love you, I’m not talking about the innocent and normal hope that a love interest will like you in return, but putting up behaviors or actions that are meant to control the way the other party feels and gear it in favor of you.
To be specific, I’m talking about being so focused on adding to your personality and on what you need to be instead of thinking of what you already are.
This is exactly what leaves a lot of men wondering what they could be doing wrong that makes it downright difficult for them to attract, land, or keep romantic partners, since they, you know, think of themselves as every woman’s dream and all.
A lot of men put up behaviors that are really nothing but a reflection of their neediness, desperation, and low investment in themselves which makes them come across as creepy, unattractive, and undesirable romantically to the women they’re attracted to.
If what I’m saying isn’t clear to you yet, these examples will make things clearer:
1. Using niceness to weasel their way into attraction.
Being kind and nice towards women still works and is even a basic necessity if you want meaningful and lasting relationships. Because being a jerk or an asshole won’t take you that far.
But if niceness is your ‘killer game’ to win over prospective dates instead of being open and direct with your true intentions, you’ll struggle heavily in the women’s department.
Firstly, if your biggest bet to attracting and winning over a woman is being the kindest and nicest guy she had ever met, in high hopes she’ll someday find out you love her and you’ll both live happily ever after, you’ll at most, get friend zoned while she’ll go on and date “assholes.”
Secondly, if you’re thinking of attraction and interest from women as something you’d just invest some nice, kind, and selfless acts and earn in return, you won’t only come across as manipulative, but will have your neediness written all over your face and whatever you do.
Because thirdly, shying away from communicating or conveying your romantic and sexual interest to a woman while banking on your niceness to do that for you, will make you an inauthentic nice guy who’s nice simply because he wants something.
In other words, you’re acting out of sync with your true intentions. You’re needy. Inauthentic. And worse, unattractive. How can you possibly attract a woman when all these qualities qualify you?
That’s why guys who easily attract not just any woman, but high-quality women, don’t hold back from sticking their necks out, being vulnerable and open about their feelings and interests, showing their emotions, and risking rejection.
They just know that the only right way to attract women is by being their vulnerable, authentic, and non-needy selves — nothing can be more attractive than that.
The bottom line?
If you don’t want to end up feeling like a loser and victim because you’re nice, then quit feeling entitled to love, affection, and sex because you think you’re nice. Yes, in most cases, you just have to speak up despite the risk of rejection to get what you want — actions don’t always speak louder than voice, especially in matters like this.
2. Trying to be someone they’re not.
There’s this common urge to perform and impress most of us normally have when we’re dealing with people we’re romantically attracted to.
But a lot of guys are completely consumed by this urge. It’s beyond their control up to the point where it’s the reason why they suck and endlessly fail terribly in the dating department.
I know a lot of guys who simply tune in to the performance mood as soon as they find themselves around someone they’re attracted to. In fact, I used to be one of them.
I used to be so nervous around a love interest and be overwhelmed by an excessive urge to impress her, appear clever, and witty, and in the worst-case scenario, I used to desperately feel like I can’t afford to lose out on her attention and affection that I don’t usually act like myself around her.
But now I know that I’ve been going about attracting women wrongly. I was only being insecure, inauthentic, and needy.
Yes, for a woman to be attracted to you in the first place, she needs to find you likable, amusing, fun, and safe to be with. But pretending to be someone you’re not because you think that’s what will make you so, will only have the opposite effect.
Because the truth is, instead of getting her attracted to you, you’ll only come across as insecure, undesirable, and unattractive since she doesn’t get to see the real you.
That’s exactly what the other guys, you know, the ones who easily attract women do differently: Whenever they’re around women they’re either interested in or not, they’re often relaxed because they don’t care much about how these women think of them.
And hence, they act their normal confident self. And these women after seeing their real and confident sides become more likely to find them attractive. Who doesn’t like confidence and authenticity?
You get the point?
To improve your attractiveness score and your chances to attract great women, you need to work on your confidence and self-esteem. And avoid putting people on unrealistic pedestals because you’re attracted to them. You need to quit worrying about how you look, what you say, or anything else and be your quirky, kind, and unique self while looking out for that special person that will appreciate that.
Also read: 5 Psychological Super Habits That’ll Make You An Irresistible Man
3. Buying into the excessive half-baked truth of the dating industry.
It’s weird and counterproductive for one to out of sheer desperation to be successful in the women’s department blindly buy into corny and counterproductive advice of pick-up dating experts.
Most men make the mistake of listening to surface-level advice that lacks substance and doesn’t address what inner qualities it takes to be truly and highly attractive and desirable to prospective dates.
When you’re excessively fed with this half-baked truth advice, you’ll easily mistake a woman’s nervous, polite smiles, and kind friendliness for actual affection. Worse, you’ll get yourself friend-zoned or discouraged from shooting any more shots at women you find attractive due to disheartening rejections.
My point isn’t to tell you that there is better advice that’ll help you become invisible to rejections or awkward situations with love interests. Because no matter what you do, these two are inevitable.
I’m just saying you should desist from buying into advice that makes attraction seem like some mathematical or scientific formula where “if X happens, Y will happen” as in the case of mistaking a woman’s kindness for romantic affection. Or “if you use the quadratic formula, you’ll eventually find X” as in the case of the latter example.
Because the truth is, attraction is complex. Being attractive comes from within. You don’t need to say something cheesy, creative, or whatever and you definitely don’t have to act in some ways. Because like earlier mentioned, you only need to be yourself and nothing more.
4. Having no love and respect for themselves.
Don’t trade your self-love and respect for any relationship. If you act in ways that simply reek of a lack of self-love and a lack of knowledge of your self-worth and value, you’ll be making dating more difficult, complicated, and miserable for you.
Being oblivious to what makes you happy let alone, prioritizing them, trying too hard to be normal again, or trying to be someone else because you’re ashamed of who you are, are all forms of betrayal to your self-worth, respect, and value.
It becomes worse when you always let other people define your boundaries. When you struggle to say ‘no’, and when you always put up with whatever shit thrown at you simply because you want to be in a romantic relationship with someone.
Well, the bad news is that it’ll either make your dating life inexistent or terrible or even both. Because lacking self-love and respect is a terrible defunct that’ll mostly repel people away instead of being attracted to you. Worse, it can even attract people who are just interested in using, manipulating, and taking advantage of your self-sacrificial love.
That’s why even if you’ve been romantically involved with a few women in the past, but you’re an overly self-sacrificial lover, your relationships with them were and will always turn out to be a complete mess.
Because the truth is, you can only be worthy of loving and receiving love in return when you love and respect yourself first. There are a few things more sexy, desirable, and attractive than being respectful of your own boundaries, having your own voice, standing up for yourself when necessary, and refusing not to be a pushover.
5. Trying to make someone like them.
You can sum pretty much all of these points into one theme. Most men make the mistake of believing they can in some way, make a woman like them. And they can go any length to make this belief a reality.
The very first scenario in this post is clearer here — a man who couldn’t just understand why he just couldn’t land a romantic partner, because, to him, he’s one of the best things every woman would die to hold onto and never let go. Of course, we all want people we’re romantically interested in to feel the same way towards us. There’s nothing inherently wrong with wanting someone you like to like you in return.
But the idea that you have to do everything within your reach to get a woman to not only find you attractive, but to accept, love, and have a great relationship with you, is exactly what has been keeping a lot of men in a helpless and hopeless situation regarding their dating lives.
Like I earlier said, your nicest and kindest acts towards a woman alone can’t buy her love for you. You just have to take the risk and voice out your romantic interest in her.
Trying too hard to be someone you’re not, won’t in any way force any woman to truly like and love you. You need to be your true confident and authentic self to be attractive to the right kind of people.
Likewise, treating romantic attraction like something you’ll just act in some magical ways or say some magical words to achieve nor will trading your self-worth, value, and respect make someone like you. You only need to do the opposite of the two.
Nothing you do or say will automatically make someone like you even when they don’t, you just have to let the chips fall where they may because if someone doesn’t want a relationship with you, it’s definitely for the best.
John Emmanuel is a results-obsessed relationship blogger and founder of Top Love Hacks, dedicated to helping you level up your dating and relationship game by motivating you to be in control of your love life.