When you consider the love lives of a lot of average men around you and their dating histories, what do you see?
Do you see men who are disappointed, feeling like failures, losers, or like victims of their failures in the women department? Sometimes. And you’ll sometimes, also see some who have quite cool dating histories, and a few with very little success with 1-5 women.
You’ll sometimes see guys who have almost no dating history.
And some of them are either in or almost halfway through their twenties with little to no romantic partners at all. Not because they aren’t interested in having one, but because they just can’t find, attract, and land a romantic partner. In the same way, you’ll sometimes see guys whose dating stories aren’t as bad as this, but they also struggle greatly to attract and win over prospective dates.
Ultimately, all of these men are almost desperately in need of a superpower that’ll make it easier for them to have success dating women — if something like that exists.
The thing is, just like Disney movies have made a lot of ladies grow up hoping for their prince charming to find them, most guys grew up believing they’d one day find their Princess Buttercup.
But when reality begins to dawn on them that a “Princess Buttercup” might not eventually come to love them in return, a lot of those guys described earlier out of desperation begin to try whatever they can to attract and win over any woman they think might be “the one.”
Of course, there are the other guys who don’t seem to struggle much to attract and date attractive women — it just comes so naturally for them.
But after reading Mark Manson’s Models: Attract Women Through Honesty, I learned there are two options when it comes to attracting women.
When guys try to attract and win over prospective partners, they either communicate:
We’ll start by looking at option #1 first because I believe it’s exactly the reason we have a lot of inauthentic ‘nice guys’ today.
How Neediness Breeds Inauthentic Niceness
As a former inauthentic nice guy myself, I have always had this subconscious belief that acting desperate and needy, especially when trying to attract and get someone’s attention and affection is downright unattractive. This is true.
So, I often consciously and subconsciously avoided anything that would make me come across as needy or desperate. I thought I was being self-aware, but now I know better.
Slowly but progressively, I learned to almost completely avoid doing and saying crucial things that are supposed to convey my romantic and sexual interest to a woman I’m attracted to.
It got so terrible that I couldn’t afford to even compliment women I find attractive not to mention, express my romantic feelings for them.
So my biggest bet was to try to be the kindest and nicest guy a woman has ever met, in high hopes she’ll somehow find out that I love her and we’ll live happily ever after. Well, at best, this only got me friend zoned while they went on to date guys I strongly believed are “assholes.”
See, treating attraction and interest from women as something you’d invest nice, kind, and selfless acts and earn in return, isn’t just manipulative, but also an act of neediness.
Acting out of sync with your true intentions according to Mark Manson is needy and inauthentic.
In fact, trying so hard to hide your true intentions in a bid to avoid coming across as creepy, needy, or desperate reeks of greater investment in a woman’s opinions and what she’ll think about you than in what you think and feel.
“By investment, I mean the degree to which you sacrifice/alter your own thoughts, feelings, and motivations for someone else. By less I mean that as a man, you should not be willing to sacrifice your thoughts, feelings, and motivations for someone else more than they sacrifice theirs for you.” — Mark Manson, Models: Attract Women Through Honesty
That’s why I don’t think there’s a more terrible way to be creepy, needy, and unattractive than being an inauthentic nice guy who hides his true intentions.
Hence, it’s better to be…
(Also read: 5 Psychological Super Habits That’ll Make You An Irresistible Man)
How To Break The Nice Guy Syndrome Via Vulnerability And Non-Neediness
My favorite part of Mark Manson’s Models: Attract Women Through Honesty is when he said:
“Vulnerability can mean putting yourself in a position where you can be rejected, saying a joke that may not be funny, asserting an opinion that may offend others, introducing yourself to a group of people you don’t know, telling a woman that you like her and want to date her. All of these things require you to stick your neck out on the line emotionally in some way. You’re making yourself vulnerable when you do them.”
See, being vulnerable and open about your feelings, showing your emotions, and communicating your intentions don’t in any way make you come across as weak, creepy, or desperate. Instead, it communicates your assertiveness, high status, and your real authentic self which is nothing less than an act of non-neediness and is attractive as f*ck.
Ever heard something like: “The secret to becoming attractive is being yourself?” Well, that’s not far from the truth.
Because a typical nice guy often puts on a cool persona that’s aloof. Performs to the core. Avoids saying and doing things that might offend others even if it means lying to avoid conflicts. Is often obsessed with impressing others, scared of showing his flaws, and hides his emotions all because he’s dead scared of rejection. What can be better proof that you’re not being yourself than this? Hence, the reason why most nice guys struggle heavily with dating.
No doubt, rejections suck. And I don’t blame myself for all those times I felt angry and desperate to find ways to win the affection of someone who doesn’t like me. And for all those times I tried so hard to avoid being rejected. Just like I don’t also blame anyone who still thinks this way about rejections.
But, even though it’s not easy, I do ask, urge, and encourage you to focus on being yourself, vulnerable, and non-needy.
To be more specific, I urge you to be that man who says what he thinks and is comfortable with others not liking him. Who shrugs off his mistakes and apologizes if need be. Who isn’t afraid to admit his shortcomings or that he sucks at something. And who isn’t afraid to express his emotions even if it means he gets rejected — he knows rejection is inevitable sometimes.
Because when you become that man, you’ll become more attractive — you’re being true to yourself, you won’t come across as needy, and most importantly, you will stop being bitter because most women don’t like “nice guys.”
There’s nothing more disappointing than feeling like a victim of your niceness when in reality, you’re just being entitled to love, affection, and sex because you think you’re nice and not a jerk. Well, you’re actually worst than a jerk!
The bottom line? The only right way to attract women is by being your vulnerable, authentic, and non-needy self. Nothing can be more attractive than that.
And over time, you’ll get to be yourself not because you want to attract women or get them to like you, but because it’s who you are — someone that’s not faking it and doesn’t give much f*ck about what others think of him.
You might also like: On Incels, Women Hating And Getting The Love Life You Truly Deserve
The Hard Truth About Attracting Women
Will being vulnerable and non-needy eradicate the possibility of being rejected? Well, the truth, is a big No!
Many needy, insecure, and self-acclaimed nice guys dream of being completely invisible to rejections. And that’s exactly why they’ll always have a tough time attracting women.
You shouldn’t wish to avoid being rejected all the time. You should instead, try to be unfazed by rejections. You shouldn’t shy away from communicating your sexual and romantic interests out of a sheer aversion to being rejected.
Like you must have already known, giving too many f*cks about rejections shows a lower investment in yourself, your feelings, your thoughts, and how you feel about yourself than in what a woman who might not like you will think.
Yeah, it’s neediness to the core. And will lead you into even more terrible needy and creepy acts like trying to weasel your way into what you want by being nice and kind.
From now, I hope there will be more guys who don’t see the need to live out of sync with their true selves and intentions. And are ever willing to be their vulnerable and non-needy selves whether around a love interest or anyone else.
And I also hope you’ll be one of them.
John Emmanuel is a results-obsessed relationship blogger and founder of Top Love Hacks, dedicated to helping you level up your dating and relationship game by motivating you to be in control of your love life.