This post isn’t another ultimate guide to becoming the woman men can’t resist.
Neither is it a list of “the best” pick-up tricks to get a man to helplessly fall head over heels in love with you. It’s technically about:
- Avoiding the wrong kinds of men.
- Being better than a serial dater of the same kinds of wrong partners.
- Being in relationships that DON’T always feel too wrong to be satisfying.
- And being with someone you’re compatible enough with that it feels like you’re made for each other.
Sounds kind of unreal, right? Well, it’s possible. And the only trick is to say no to some “normal” dating and relationship habits and behaviors that are anything but normal — because all they do is land someone in a relationship with the wrong person.
Life is too short to be either stuck in an unhappy and painful relationship with the wrong person. Or to have an endless litany of messy relationships with different iterations of the same types of terrible partners.
Here are the habits you should adopt if you want something better than any of what I just described above.
1. Avoid being fixated on certain outcomes.
Do otherwise if you want to often land in the wrong relationships out of desperation.
If not, you should never attach your self-worth and value to what a man thinks of you.
You can choose to be always consumed by the desire to be liked by men you’re hitting on — as insecure women do. Or you can decide not to — because you know that affection isn’t conditional so you don’t have to fight for it like a “you or nobody else affair.”
The latter involves being self-aware enough to know that it’s great to be liked in return by everyone you’re hitting on. But also knowing that it’s logically impossible. Hence, the need to know how to deal with not being liked in return by someone you like.
Because when you aren’t so bent on having a 100 percent rate of reciprocity of likeness and affection from men you’re hitting on, you won’t only be acting like someone who’s got choices even around people you’re attracted to — (which is attractive AF) but will avoid being a helpless puppet to people who are toxic or manipulative.
No, it doesn’t mean that with this kind of mindset, you won’t ever end up with the wrong person. But if you ever do, you’ll be able to walk away easily (more on that later).
However, in most cases, you’ll easily avoid that simply by bearing in mind that you’re lovable, interesting enough, attractive, and worthy of affection. And the right person will not fail to notice so. Hence, no need to be creepy or to act out of desperation around someone you’re attracted to.
Also read: 5 Types of Men You’ll Regret Falling For
2. Playing hard to get is next to useless and even unattractive.
A few months before meeting my girlfriend, I was involved with a woman I had a great deal of likeness for.
Not once did I fail to use every opportunity I got to let her know how much romantic interest I had in her. But all I usually got was semi-cold, distant, disengaged reactions — which only screamed one word at me: “Hey, I’m not interested!”
However, I met one of her friends a few days after we went official with my girlfriend, and she made mentioned how she and her friend expected me to “keep trying” because her friend was also interested in me. And I thought to myself: “Thank God I stopped trying earlier enough.”
One thing I’ve noticed about playing the ice queen or being evasive is that it will either repel great men away or attract the wrong kind of guys.
I think so because I believe that the dating culture has changed tremendously from what it used to be decades or even centuries ago.
Hence, giving a signal of your interest instead of the old school “playing hard to get”, is now imperative or the guy will simply look elsewhere — towards someone that’s showing interest.
But if you’re hell-bent on looking for men who still enjoy the “pride in the chase”, you’ll most likely end up with men who are:
- Highly driven by the desire to win
- Interested in jumping from one conquest to another
- Or men who’ll later find out they don’t like you that much after winning you over
Sure, these might not always be the case, but I strongly believe you’ll always come across as more mature, attractive, and respect-worthy if you’re often authentic enough to show men you like, that you do like them or that you don’t if you don’t like them.
I’m sure a lot of men and women will agree with me on this. And if you don’t, see you in the comments.
3. Always hold on to the things that matter to you.
Happiness in a relationship is all about being in a relationship where you’re free to be you and loved just the way you are.
As much as I know how much of a cliche the phrase “don’t lose yourself in a relationship” is, finding yourself on the other end of the spectrum is one of the many ways to tell if you’re in a wrong relationship.
If you find yourself having to give up your interests, hobbies, and everything that matters to you just to be in a relationship with someone, you’re likely headed towards the messy and wrong direction.
You’re giving up part of your identity to be in a relationship.
You’re willingly giving up your authentic self for another personality which might at best, attract someone who isn’t seeing you for who you really are.
This might not sound sexy to hear, but it’s true. Giving up your interests, hobbies, goals, and personality to be liked by someone, somehow means you’ll likely end up with the wrong person who might not be in love with the real you.
You won’t want that, right? Hence, never give up your personality for any relationship whatsoever.
Further reading: 7 Insecure Habits That Makes You a Terrible Girlfriend
4. There’s often more to it when you abandon your friends for a guy.
Too many women make this terrible mistake out of fear a people-pleasing urge to avoid offending a prospective date or romantic partner, rocking the boat, or missing out on someone. Don’t ever do so.
You’re probably opting to do so because the person you’re seeing is giving you vibes that they’ll not be really okay with you spending some time with and staying connected with the people in your life before he came around.
And the truth is, you’ll rarely be happy in a relationship that you have to sacrifice your friendships for the sake of. Unless it’s some cases where your friends are REALLY trying to sabotage your otherwise great relationship.
But if that isn’t the case, know that only the wrong partner or relationship would flourish at the expense of your most intimate friendships.
5. Never take healthy boundaries for granted.
Common knowledge tells us that healthy and functional relationships require endurance, patience, time, and compromise.
This well-meaning idea or advice can have a hugely detrimental effect of leaving one stuck in an overly wrong relationship.
What I’m talking about is what happens when one is okay with consistently enduring or putting up with obviously unacceptable treatments or even allowing herself to be endlessly pressured into doing things she’d rather not do. All in the name of enduring, being patient, or whatever.
But the truth is, with healthy boundaries that should keep a partner or potential partner within the lines of what you’ll take and what you won’t take, you’ll stand a better chance of fending off the wrong kinds of people — who will only make your life miserable with their incessant and brutal boundaries violations.
You should always know better than selling yourself short in a relationship or molding yourself into what a man might like. Because if he can’t love and accept you the way you are, then you are better off without him.
Recommended reading: 10 Subtle Signs You Are A Great Girlfriend
6. Avoid blaming yourself for the failures of your relationships.
I spent most of my life taking on blame for almost everything that ever happened to me — even the things that a better part of me knows aren’t completely my fault.
And what I’ve learned over the years is that self-blame is a common reaction to stressful events. That it’s just too easy for one to spiral into self-blame even after the failure of a relationship with thoughts like:
- It’s all my fault.
- If I had done things differently.
- Or if I had been a little more enduring …
But now I know that doing so isn’t just a recipe for disaster that’ll make it too difficult for one to move on from a failed relationship or break up.
I’ve also come to believe that it can somehow make you so desperate and scared of “fucking up” again that you’ll either do anything to remain in a relationship or be in one in the first place.
And this I believe, can make you susceptible to ending up with the wrong people that’ll make your life a living hell.
7. You don’t need to prove yourself to any man or seek their validation.
This one can easily be described as one of the highest forms of insecurity.
Sure, we all are influenced by society to in one way or another, buy into the belief that we are somehow not good enough or that we don’t worth something better.
But that doesn’t in any way, mean you should ever try too hard to prove yourself to people to gain their attention, validation, acknowledgment, or to impress them even.
Where going against what I just said might land you is a situation where you ended up hooking up with a guy who somehow insulted your appearance the first time you met. Because of familiarity with the feeling of being torn down and placed on a pedestal — which is, in turn, fueled by your unending need for validation and proving yourself to him.
And a relationship with him is likely not going to be one with someone who’s anywhere near nice and gentle. In fact, he might, in the end, turn out to be the typical jerk.
Specifically, all I’m saying is that seeking validation, acceptance, or whatever from a potential romantic partner that you’ll do anything to prove yourself or be with them will most likely attract the wrong people.
Worse, having this kind of unhealthy self-esteem and insecurity issues might even leave you stuck in a situation where you keep dating different iterations of the same terrible men.
8. You have to be courageous enough to use your voice.
Being a pushover will cause you more harm than you can ever imagine.
Anyone can decide to always bottle up their feelings for peace’s sake but they’ll also be putting their happiness at stake. Hence, it doesn’t take much for this to be a recipe for disaster.
I’ve seen so many women and men alike who often cower in fear of coming off as antagonistic, and unlikeable, or of hurting others to lock up their assertive voice in a vault that’ll never be open.
But if this describes your social, dating, and even love life, then your life is certainly an unhappy one — that often spirals into an unpleasant situation when it has to do with your relationship with others.
You can decide to always bottle up even your most negative feelings especially when someone is being insensitive.
Or you can even decide not to communicate your relationship expectations, how you want to be treated, or your opinion about something.
But if you ever want to avoid settling for less than you deserve, you’ll need to be courageous enough to speak up for yourself when necessary.
Else, you might even end up in such kind of a situation where you’re either been endlessly mistreated or unhappy in the relationship but will still be unable to protest for better treatment or to end the damn relationship.
And this leads us to the next point.
9. It’s okay to walk away when things don’t feel right.
Harsh truth: Many of us are big fans of a till death do us part relationship that we subconsciously expect almost every potential relationship to last that long.
And just like in point 6, we easily blame ourselves or think something is wrong with us if the relationship fails. No, that’s wrong. We all just need to make peace with the fact that it’s just okay for things not to work out well.
In fact, we need to often open our eyes more to red flags — to avoid being in relationships that were never meant to be in the first place.
And it somehow begins with having the mindset that it’s okay to walk away even when things begin to go wrong on the second date, when the butterfly feelings are still fresh, or when the relationship is ages old. Life will only be easier than we make it for ourselves, don’t you think?
John Emmanuel is a results-obsessed relationship blogger and founder of Top Love Hacks, dedicated to helping you level up your dating and relationship game by motivating you to be in control of your love life.